WTF!?

  Under duress, I have discovered that I am capable of a level of detachment that I was previously unaware of.  That I compartmentalize in some of the most important and productive ways possible... I extricate my emotions from the equation, and simply exist as a voice of reason in that moment.

  In the weeks to come, my life could change for better or worse, for the matter of how the cards fall. I know what is left in the deck but the reality is that I can only count them for so long before they become lost in the jumble, and it's a toss.
  Recently the reality of my (our) circumstances which are completely out of my (our) control, and with a delusional, ill, sadist at the helm, have come crashing through my bubble of safety. There exists no small margin of error here, there exists no room for mistakes, there is only the truth, and a lie.
  What of a lie? What of people who believe in it wholeheartedly? It equates to the same person who can believe in religion, in a god, in having been "created"... The people who truly believe  frighten me more than anything else in this life.
  A person who is dangerous usually does not present them self as such in the initial interaction. Though, red flags, markers, intuition, that 'gut feeling' generally kicks in, lending us the momentary clarity to conclude that danger is near, gifting us the chance to seek safety.... it is even harder when the person is religiously affiliated, for that, in and of its self is supposed to present to society the beauteous face of light, happiness, honesty, forgiveness. It gives them a place to successfully hide.

  My mind is spinning, and my thoughts are muddled. My brain wants to vomit onto a piece of paper, but the words simply can not flow, for the fact of sharing information which I am not at liberty to do so with.
  It seems that, every time I am able to take a breath. Every time that the stresses seem to become bearable, every time that the sun shines through it is immediately muted by a threatening storm. The rain is only beginning to fall, but the winds are kicking up, the sky is black, and thunder is rolling in waves.
  I want blue skies. I want the sun. I want predictable weather in my life, for the sake of life, for the sake of reality, of sanity, of gripping what the fuck is going to happen and wringing it by the neck!! I need for the insanity bus to stop and let us off.
 
  "WTF!" does not even begin to express the shock, amazement, despair, the loss, the cost, all has been tossed... The bitch that drives the bus has got her fucking brain on inside out.