I don't understand my own mood, my frame of mind... It just can not be framed.

   A few moments ago, I looked myself over. A long, hard look in the harsh light of reality, and that of a mirror too.
  My youth has escaped me, simply slipped by without warning. I've no more chances for wild fun, for making mistakes, for being beautiful. My once firm body is firm no more, is covered in battle scars. It isn't youthful. It isn't beautiful. It simply is.
   I got glasses this week. Now I feel old. That was the icing on the cake... The things I didn't realize I wasn't seeing with razor sharp clarity anymore. Even just the minor, pathetically weak prescription that it is, makes me feel so old. So worn out, so un-sexy. I look geeky, which would be fine- if I were an uber hot geek who all the other geektards wanted to fuck. I'm not. I'm not sure that I even qualify as a MILF anymore.
  Fuck an A. I used to be hot. Well, ok... for a 15 year old, before my body was totally trashed by pregnancy. I worked my ass off, and deserved the rock hard abs, tight ass, toned thighs.

  Normally I'm not this vain. Really. No, I mean it. I'm not.

  Things in my life, my body, my mind, they're all changing so rapidly. The sense of urgency is almost as strong as the sadness that possess me. In retrospect, I gave it all away. I blew my life away. All the things I *could* control, I used to fight the reality that they were preparing to saddle me with... and I bought myself this new, not so pretty, murky little pond to swim (wallow) in. I did it to myself, but I didn't have a clue what I was doing, or why. Just that I had to do something to change what was happening.
   Strangely enough, the only things that actually matter to me are the things that I stand to lose if I can't roll with this tide. If I can't force this sense of urgency to become productivity, to drive me to success, or at least to veer me away from perpetual failure.

   Ever have that feeling like you're floating in space, caught in a vacuum, you can feel your lungs being torn apart by the pressure... I can't breathe. I know what I have to do, I know, I fucking know damn it. Its the only obvious thing in my life.

   I've been accused of being angry/irritated all of the time. As in 100% of the time.  Well, I'm not. I'm scared shitless of my own inadequacy. Even though I can't say that to your face, and even though I become defensive and project irritation/anger, I'm not actually angry. I'm afraid. So fucking afraid.
  Its amazing how far a little encouragement goes, or a little security, or a little compliment, or a little assurance, or a little positivity... Its amazing how much of a difference being acknowledged as more than a simple failure, a no longer youthful failure, can change someone's perspective. Seems like I'm always changing someone else's perspective, but can't change my own.
   God, how wrong is it to want to be loved? To be of worth to someone? To be wanted? To be beautiful? To be good enough...

Afraid

  

Rejection.   False Judgment.    I fear that look in his eyes that says, "I'm trying to care, but I just can't".  Being thirsty, and being denied water.   Being burnt.   Small spaces.   Clown Faces.    Zealots.    Always being the last to realize what should have been obvious all along.  Being the butt of the joke.   Inadequacy.    Growing old.   People who believe in figments of their imagination.   My ex husband, and all the promises of pain he still has to make good on.   Failure.   Driving.   Getting my hair cut.    Weighing myself.   Looking in a mirror, and realizing that I am no longer young.   Singing in public.    Being misunderstood.    I fear that no matter what I do, it'll never bee good enough.   Drowning in my own vomit.   Cancer.   Losing my sight.   Being on life support.    Being alone, and realizing that I'm not really lonely.   Being seen crying.  People.   Being raped, again.   Being burnt alive.  Not being able to love.    Bridges.   Becoming bitter.   Jellyfish.    Needles.   


   The things I fear are real, they're valid, they frighten the shit out of me... and I'm helpless to control almost all of them.
   My parents are to thank for my security issues, and lack of positive self esteem, or healthy body image... for my lack of confidence, my fear of failure, and the bitterness that lurks just beneath the surface. I can thank them for fucking up any chance I had at a real education, or ever going to college. Thanks mom. I know you meant best, right? I was the golden child, right?

    Is it wrong of me to want to be loved, to be shown love? Is it wrong to believe that it could build confidence in something which may, or may not be? What it is, it will be, and it's not... so here I begin to see, that I'll never be good enough. Or even enough. She was, and the one before her, and I'll never be. No matter how much I do, or give, or am to anyone. I'm not her.
  Bitterness is seeping in, and I want to be alone. I want to be angry, to be violent, to destroy, because I fear my own bitterness more than I fear rejection. Here I sit all paint covered, being hailed for food, and not done earning my keep... and I'm bitter. I want love. I want to hear it, to see it, to know it, to share it. Can't have it.
    So afraid, I'm so afraid. I don't want to be alone, but not lonely. I'm blocking out myself too, and all that is good will soon be completely gray, and tasteless, and dull. And for what? What the fuck does it accomplish? Nothing... I'm just afraid, and shutting down.

Fuck Valentine's Day and the Horse It Rode In On

    Fucking Valentine's day. Something most people buy into wholeheartedly, and spend an ASS LOAD on, even though it is completely asinine... totally not worth your time.... and all of the sappy smoochy pictures plastered all over their fb pages. OMFG....

  OK, now Ima admit that I am incredibly fucking jealous.

   I've never been much of a holiday person, and knowing that service is my love language makes it even harder for me to participate in such shenanigans. BUT (there is always a big fat but in the middle of everything, isn't there?)... I'm also inwardly the sappy, romantic type. This is likely the only time I will ever admit that to anyone, let alone everyone on the interwebz... Must be my codeine and beam induced haze (really, not mixing the two- haven't had the codeine in 24 hours)... Sometimes it just hurts to want something, ya know?


  While everyone gets their Valentine's on, I quietly make his morning coffee and walk out the door to the bus stop with my son in tow, setting the alarm and double checking the lock on my way out.
   As soon as I walk back in, my baby is awake, so I do what I can to keep his moans of hunger at bay until the cereal hits the table... All the while my manimal sleeps. He needs his sleep, a lot more than I do and I try to make sure he gets it.
   8 AM rolls around, and I have to wake him. If I don't he'll have a hard start to his day instead of lying around drinking the coffee I bring him, and waiting for me to finish his breakfast... He's a creature of habit,bad habit. Maybe I shouldn't interfere, maybe I should let him learn for himself what is best.... But then I would have to watch his misery on a daily basis, as he wanders around decaffeinated, hungry, and clueless.
   It's but one of the ways, that I know I can show him I love him without actually saying it. Without forcing him away with the words he doesn't believe, doesn't want to hear, and are still tainted with the bitterness of wrongdoing. See all of the beautiful things I inherited?  The things she left for me?
  

    Never an "I love you". Never an assurance. Never a promise. Never a commitment. Never.
   It is what it is baby.

   Nothing is fucking simple, and you take all of the warmth, happiness, comfort, surety, newness away from your happy little picture, and what do you have? Nothing... But I'm still jealous of the fact that you can celebrate freely what simply is, even if it only lasts a moment. It is worth celebrating.
  
   Regardless of how solid, fluid, understanding, well mannered, well behaved, considerate, peaceful.... We'll never have the ability to celebrate, even though we have more worth celebrating.

Homeschooling IS Abuse

   Alright... I honestly don't give a shit if I catch flack or not. Hell, I almost hope I do- because that means I fucking struck a nerve, and I'm undeniably right.

   I forgot that as a homeschooler, you have more right to accommodation than anyone else...  that the whole fucking star spangled universe revolves around what *you* want to do, and perceive as a need.
   I forgot that you need special treatment, because you operate outside of the acceptable social norm... That you're above interacting with dirty, uneducated public school families. That your children will learn bad habits (like maybe, just maybe how to fucking interact without your constant guidance, supervision, or intervention), or perhaps see that you are not the absolute authority, nor is your knowledge infinite.
   I forgot that exposing your child(ren) to anyone you haven't pre-approved presents the risk of your child learning what "Social Isolation" is, and that interacting with people outside of your tightly knit group poses the threat of your child coming to grasp that social isolation is abuse.
   I forgot that you're the god of your little universe, and if your child lives under your rule alone, they'll know no better than to blindly worship you.
  
   You're no better than a religious homeschooling zealot, as you sit upon your pedestal, shining down in all of your shrouds of deceptively believable  intelligence, purity, and sense of entitlement. Portraying yourself as the only person qualified to educate your child properly, and prepare them for a successful adulthood.
   The reality is that you're afraid of losing control. You're afraid of no longer being the God who rules your child's life. You're afraid of your child becoming an individual, capable of making their own life decisions, and learning to be a part of the hive.
   A single bee, left to its own devices will die. It needs the hive, for shelter, for protection, for food, for its livelihood. The same is true of us bipedal mammals.     
  Our society does not make accommodations for those who can not be assimilated. Nor does being assimilated make us any less individual, capable of critical thought, or analytical process.... Those who possess those traits simply do, regardless of whether or not they've learned how to navigate the hive.

   You go ahead and make your argument against public or private schooling...

There are bullies;    You mean, like the one they live with who prevents them from experiencing any sort of normal existence?

They won't get a proper education;    No, not if you don't bridge the gap. But you're not singlehandedly qualified to provide for their every academic need either.  

They'll be exposed to violence;    Just like you (and your child) are every time you walk out your front door. So, are you going to bar your doors and windows, and start stockpiling food, guns, and ammo now?

They'll be exposed to drugs;     Because as we all know, those only exist in public schools, and that is the only place to learn about them, gain access to them, or get away with using them were you so inclined. OK, yeah, makes perfect sense.

Children in public schools do not learn to socialize;    No, they learn how to become pack. How to successfully navigate their peers, and survive without you. An important skill to have later in life, when you won't be a helicopter hovering over their every movement.

I don't feel that they're safe;    Because no house is ever broken into. No family is ever murdered. No car is ever plowed into by a mack truck. No child ever falls down on a playground and breaks their arm. No convenience store is ever robbed while you're paying for gas. No one walking around the supermarket is ever sick, and willing to share their illness, and  you can prevent all of these dangers by simply being present 100% of the time?


  Lastly... You know as well as I do that in a perfect world, we would have evolved past the point of a need for religion at all. But, this isn't a perfect world.
  It was argued with me last week that "It isn't fair to say my rights should be taken away because someone else uses homeschooling to abuse their children" OK... well, I would like you to tell that to the little Paradise girl who recently died as a result of homeschooling... Oh, wait. You can't. She's fucking dead. 

   Homeschooling for the sake of keeping your children at home, under your rule, in your world, associating with those who you choose is abuse.
   There do occur circumstances in which parents should consider homeschooling, and I respect those who can successfully segregate home life, from school. I respect those who realize when their child needs something more. I respect those who do not feel they are masters of the educational arena, and ask for fucking help when it is needed.
   What I am against is the "right" to homeschool. It isn't a fucking right, it shouldn't be... It is a privilege. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

   "Police allege that the younger girl was being disciplined for mis-pronouncing a word during a home-school reading lesson the day before she died."..... 
   Is that an extreme example? Yes. 
    
     Do these types of beatings occur each and every fucking day? YES.
     
     Are children emotionally scarred, physically and sexually abused, raped, psychologically abused, and falsely imprisoned EVERY DAY? Fuck an A, YES. All because parents have the "Right" to homeschool.


   But that should be overlooked because in order to begin to put an end to it, your *rights* would be violated. OK, yeah. I got it... Welcome to the same plane of existence as the fundies.
   It's okay that they do what they do, as long as you get to do what you do. Makes perfect sense. Kinda like blaming the rape victim.

   I offer no apology for speaking the truth. What is right isn't always popular, especially when you're dealing with a subculture that is self persecuting.

    As a survivor of religious and homeschooling abuse, I have every right to state an informed opinion regarding the effects of homeschooling, unlike you- who has only been on the instructional end of the spectrum.

  FYI- the higher the horse you ride, the harder you fall.



  *****To all you the responsible home/unschooling families that I know- I commend you for your effort to do the right thing, regardless of your reason, if you're succeeding you deserve a pat on the back.*****

Single Parents

 I never thought I would say this... But maybe it is in the best interest of parents to stay together (even if shit sucks) so that they at least have one another to fall back on when raising children. Screw whether or not it is better for the kids, no one will ever be happy if the parent they live with is always stressed, and has no help. No support. No one to stand behind them and make discipline a less daunting task.

 Now, anyone who knows me, knows damned well where I've been... the abuse I lived with, and why I have a problem with people staying together for the kids. But this isn't for the kids. This is for sanity. This is so that the little shits don't gang up on you, and slowly destroy you.
 If nature had intended for up to care for our young alone, we would be able to reproduce without men. Unfortunately, most men aren't interested in being a father, let alone a daddy. I think my ex pretty well demonstrates what a fucking deadbeat looks like.
 Any man who is interested, or inclined to be the nurturing, fatherly type is either married and serving his role in the household... or so fucking damaged by what an incredibly violent, vicious, heartless, sociopathic bitch did to him that he'll never go there again.

 Can you tell I'm having a bad week? Maybe just a bad reality.

 Why is it so hard for two people who are inclined to hold the same value in a relationship to come together, rather than getting snagged in the net of evilness that some immoral fucktard threw out?
 I know I had a chance, once upon a time... I fuckingblewit. Now I'm stuck between a jackass, and a cliff, and trying not to fall off.

 No one realizes until they become a single parent, that the mental, emotional, and physical recharge you get from having an involved partner meant more to your wellbeing and stability than ANYTHING else in your life. Simply not having someone to stand behind you and tell the little monsters 'No' is completely draining. Not having someone there to give them a bath at 3 am while you clean up the vomit. Not having someone to help with the homework, or sit and read a book with them long enough for you to run the laundry... I could go on, and on, and on about everything that you take as granted. Well, it's NOT. Once you split, it's all on you baby!

 I couldn't have stayed with my ex, he would have killed me. Hell, he still may... Big invisible skydaddy knows, he's tried to carry out those threats enough times, and if I ever give him the chance, he will. But damn, simply having 2 parents is the ticket to semi-sanity.
 I see why women get involved and push their kids on a man, I really do. I disagree with it, it's wrong, but I understand that they do it so that they won't wind up going crazy like me.

 If I could turn back time... damn, now I've got that song stuck in my head. Fuck. I'm so sick of the bullshit. I have 15 more years until I'm free from the drama of being legally responsible for these little carbon copies.