Fucking Valentine's day. Something most people buy into wholeheartedly, and spend an ASS LOAD on, even though it is completely asinine... totally not worth your time.... and all of the sappy smoochy pictures plastered all over their fb pages. OMFG....
OK, now Ima admit that I am incredibly fucking jealous.
I've never been much of a holiday person, and knowing that service is my love language makes it even harder for me to participate in such shenanigans. BUT (there is always a big fat but in the middle of everything, isn't there?)... I'm also inwardly the sappy, romantic type. This is likely the only time I will ever admit that to anyone, let alone everyone on the interwebz... Must be my codeine and beam induced haze (really, not mixing the two- haven't had the codeine in 24 hours)... Sometimes it just hurts to want something, ya know?
While everyone gets their Valentine's on, I quietly make his morning coffee and walk out the door to the bus stop with my son in tow, setting the alarm and double checking the lock on my way out.
As soon as I walk back in, my baby is awake, so I do what I can to keep his moans of hunger at bay until the cereal hits the table... All the while my manimal sleeps. He needs his sleep, a lot more than I do and I try to make sure he gets it.
8 AM rolls around, and I have to wake him. If I don't he'll have a hard start to his day instead of lying around drinking the coffee I bring him, and waiting for me to finish his breakfast... He's a creature of habit,bad habit. Maybe I shouldn't interfere, maybe I should let him learn for himself what is best.... But then I would have to watch his misery on a daily basis, as he wanders around decaffeinated, hungry, and clueless.
It's but one of the ways, that I know I can show him I love him without actually saying it. Without forcing him away with the words he doesn't believe, doesn't want to hear, and are still tainted with the bitterness of wrongdoing. See all of the beautiful things I inherited? The things she left for me?
Never an "I love you". Never an assurance. Never a promise. Never a commitment. Never.
It is what it is baby.
Nothing is fucking simple, and you take all of the warmth, happiness, comfort, surety, newness away from your happy little picture, and what do you have? Nothing... But I'm still jealous of the fact that you can celebrate freely what simply is, even if it only lasts a moment. It is worth celebrating.
Regardless of how solid, fluid, understanding, well mannered, well behaved, considerate, peaceful.... We'll never have the ability to celebrate, even though we have more worth celebrating.
OK, now Ima admit that I am incredibly fucking jealous.
I've never been much of a holiday person, and knowing that service is my love language makes it even harder for me to participate in such shenanigans. BUT (there is always a big fat but in the middle of everything, isn't there?)... I'm also inwardly the sappy, romantic type. This is likely the only time I will ever admit that to anyone, let alone everyone on the interwebz... Must be my codeine and beam induced haze (really, not mixing the two- haven't had the codeine in 24 hours)... Sometimes it just hurts to want something, ya know?
While everyone gets their Valentine's on, I quietly make his morning coffee and walk out the door to the bus stop with my son in tow, setting the alarm and double checking the lock on my way out.
As soon as I walk back in, my baby is awake, so I do what I can to keep his moans of hunger at bay until the cereal hits the table... All the while my manimal sleeps. He needs his sleep, a lot more than I do and I try to make sure he gets it.
8 AM rolls around, and I have to wake him. If I don't he'll have a hard start to his day instead of lying around drinking the coffee I bring him, and waiting for me to finish his breakfast... He's a creature of habit,bad habit. Maybe I shouldn't interfere, maybe I should let him learn for himself what is best.... But then I would have to watch his misery on a daily basis, as he wanders around decaffeinated, hungry, and clueless.
It's but one of the ways, that I know I can show him I love him without actually saying it. Without forcing him away with the words he doesn't believe, doesn't want to hear, and are still tainted with the bitterness of wrongdoing. See all of the beautiful things I inherited? The things she left for me?
Never an "I love you". Never an assurance. Never a promise. Never a commitment. Never.
It is what it is baby.
Nothing is fucking simple, and you take all of the warmth, happiness, comfort, surety, newness away from your happy little picture, and what do you have? Nothing... But I'm still jealous of the fact that you can celebrate freely what simply is, even if it only lasts a moment. It is worth celebrating.
Regardless of how solid, fluid, understanding, well mannered, well behaved, considerate, peaceful.... We'll never have the ability to celebrate, even though we have more worth celebrating.
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