Some days are easier than others, and obviously I have been struggling as of late. With many, many different things, questioning every aspect of my life. Why? What? How? When? Can I? Will it work? Should I? Is it worth it? Dunno... I know so very little at this point.
What little I do know is that I tire quickly of the games, and perhaps it isn't even a game. It could simply be that there is nothing in any way grounded, and so it seems that everything I do is as if a pawn is being shifted in one direction or another. In the same hand I also hold this incredible fear of being exposed, made a fool of, but I do an adequate enough job of that myself... I may as well be an open book, and at times am, as I have no one to talk to. No one to explore my thoughts with. No voice of reason shifting me back into reality when I lay adrift on my own stream of thoughts.
So many questions. No answers. And I live each day waiting for the ball to drop, wondering when enough will be enough. Wondering how damaged I truly am. And knowing that I have no way of finding out until it's too late. It may be already.
How many times a day can I check myself back into reality? And am I even walking in the light of realization, or am I simply convincing myself that reality checks have been issued and cashed in?. Maybe it's time to check the account balance...
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Where is my name?
Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of the fact that I would have an enormous up-hill climb ahead of me when the children reached a likely enough age as to be in the care of another. What is even more tiresome is listening to people who will never be able to comprehend what life as you know it has consisted of, say "well, just do it". OK, this is me, admitting that I am flawed. I am imperfect. I am afraid, and I don't know where to begin.
Nothing more I dislike than hearing a pity party, or dealing with a 'woes me' attitude from someone who is otherwise capable. So, I can understand why someone might feel the same in regard to me, or even to my situation, or life in general. And to them, I have this to say; Until you live my life, leave me the fuck alone. Enjoy being who you are, because you have an identity. You have not been lost in the roundabout of motherhood, you still have a life, a likely enough future, and a name. Do you know what it is like not to have a name anymore? Do you? When you simply become "MOM", then and only then will I listen to your know it all, this is how the world works, and what you should do with it tone. When you become a mother, then and only then will you be capable of understanding the personal sacrifices that I have made to live through the past 10 years worth of hell, and make sure that my babies made it out alive... Maybe even then you won't understand, or believe what I have lived through. Until you live a life of isolation, and have to learn everything about people in your 20's (rather than learning from birth forward), then I am not interested in your little "Get over it" speeches. I'd love to see you in my shoes for a week, and see how medicated you are by the end of it (oh, and by the way- I function without being medicated- it's called "facing fears head on").
This may very well be the point at which I accept that, I am not the best person for the round the clock caregiver position at the moment. I have done anything, and everything within my meager mommy powers to provide my children with the coping mechanisms that they'll need to enter the big, bad, scary world. That's all I can do.
The absolute need for my life to consist of more than ass wiping, booger pickin, laundry washing, food prepping, alphabet song singing, boo boo kissing, monster under the bed chasing, has arisen.
At one point, some years ago, I had aspirations. I had dreams, visions of what I would be doing right now. Nowhere in those dreams did everyone I know call me "Mom" (might I add, even people who I did not personally shit out).
The slightly sick part is, that regardless of who you were in your past life, you are expected to be consumed by motherhood. It is an unwritten law of American society that you suddenly become a baby talking, tushie pinching, breast vs formula feeding debate champ, who is also connoisseur of baby wipes. It is expected of us to simply give up who we are for the ultimate fulfillment of being a mother. Sorry, this isn't working for me. I'm not a Brady. I have a brain in here somewhere *shakes head* yep, I can still hear it rattling around. And that brain tells me that there is more to life than reproducing and caring for young. Given, its a rather important part for some people, but it is not the end all, be all of human existence either. I cringe when I hear someone say that they "Never felt fulfilled by life" until they became a mother... Now they sit at home all day watching stories, and eating junk food. Yep, that's sure some fulfilling life you have there! what ever happened to your career, BTW?
OK, so some people would say that I am ragging on my own kind here, but I disagree. I feel that I should not be defined by motherhood. THEY do.
I have this need, this desire to mean something to someone other than my children (and immediate family). I don't want to be known for who I am as a mother, I want to be known and seen as me, as a person with their own thoughts, opinions, ideas, desires... I just want to exist.
Nothing more I dislike than hearing a pity party, or dealing with a 'woes me' attitude from someone who is otherwise capable. So, I can understand why someone might feel the same in regard to me, or even to my situation, or life in general. And to them, I have this to say; Until you live my life, leave me the fuck alone. Enjoy being who you are, because you have an identity. You have not been lost in the roundabout of motherhood, you still have a life, a likely enough future, and a name. Do you know what it is like not to have a name anymore? Do you? When you simply become "MOM", then and only then will I listen to your know it all, this is how the world works, and what you should do with it tone. When you become a mother, then and only then will you be capable of understanding the personal sacrifices that I have made to live through the past 10 years worth of hell, and make sure that my babies made it out alive... Maybe even then you won't understand, or believe what I have lived through. Until you live a life of isolation, and have to learn everything about people in your 20's (rather than learning from birth forward), then I am not interested in your little "Get over it" speeches. I'd love to see you in my shoes for a week, and see how medicated you are by the end of it (oh, and by the way- I function without being medicated- it's called "facing fears head on").
This may very well be the point at which I accept that, I am not the best person for the round the clock caregiver position at the moment. I have done anything, and everything within my meager mommy powers to provide my children with the coping mechanisms that they'll need to enter the big, bad, scary world. That's all I can do.
The absolute need for my life to consist of more than ass wiping, booger pickin, laundry washing, food prepping, alphabet song singing, boo boo kissing, monster under the bed chasing, has arisen.
At one point, some years ago, I had aspirations. I had dreams, visions of what I would be doing right now. Nowhere in those dreams did everyone I know call me "Mom" (might I add, even people who I did not personally shit out).
The slightly sick part is, that regardless of who you were in your past life, you are expected to be consumed by motherhood. It is an unwritten law of American society that you suddenly become a baby talking, tushie pinching, breast vs formula feeding debate champ, who is also connoisseur of baby wipes. It is expected of us to simply give up who we are for the ultimate fulfillment of being a mother. Sorry, this isn't working for me. I'm not a Brady. I have a brain in here somewhere *shakes head* yep, I can still hear it rattling around. And that brain tells me that there is more to life than reproducing and caring for young. Given, its a rather important part for some people, but it is not the end all, be all of human existence either. I cringe when I hear someone say that they "Never felt fulfilled by life" until they became a mother... Now they sit at home all day watching stories, and eating junk food. Yep, that's sure some fulfilling life you have there! what ever happened to your career, BTW?
OK, so some people would say that I am ragging on my own kind here, but I disagree. I feel that I should not be defined by motherhood. THEY do.
I have this need, this desire to mean something to someone other than my children (and immediate family). I don't want to be known for who I am as a mother, I want to be known and seen as me, as a person with their own thoughts, opinions, ideas, desires... I just want to exist.
Friday, March 12, 2010
What Now?
I am at a crossroads, and have not the foggiest which road to turn down... All I know is certain is that I must choose one, or be known as the perpetual fuckup.
Maybe I should explain (perhaps I should refrain). Ah, here goes... My parents, in an attempt to keep me "pure, and good" withheld me from society. I was their golden child, the one who showed potential, the one they wanted. Tested a higher IQ than both of my parents @ the age of 5, when my mother was convinced that I was "special" and took me to a sting of specialists- Only to find out that I was brighter than she was. Whoda thunk?
So, they illegally homeschooled me. There is no record of my education. Period. State laws required a minimum of yearly testing, reporting the scores to the state for the purpose of grade advancement, and statistical purposes. They opted out of ANY reporting. I was simply a ghost. The only record of my existence up until the age of 15 (when I became pregnant, entered the system, and became just another statistic) was the date of my birth, and a hand full of random (and RARE) doctors office visits.
When it became evident to me, some time around middle school, that I needed outside influences in my life if I were ever to become anything of worth, I asked to be placed in a public school. Only to my astonishment, I found out that it was not possible, my parents would face jail time if they were to attempt to do so. The result was that I was continued at home, completely isolated from society, as I had always been. Eventually that backfired, as I said, resulting in pregnancy.
Now, here I am, a 25 year old mother of 3. In the eyes of any potential employer, completely uneducated. I can not even compete for an entry level position that some illiterate 18 year old fresh out of HS can! I am "Unqualified".
Now, let us compound the situational difficulties here... I can not pass the GED as it is now, because it was revamped last year. A little explanation due? Yes, yes... I had a drug over dose about 8 years ago. I almost lost my life, actually, I did. I was brought back... NDEs are always fun, they change things. I lost a lot of memory as well. Mostly mathematics, I regained the stutter that I had lived with as a child, and several other difficulties that I am still coping with today. After spending several months in study, it became apparent that NO progress was being made. I maxed out all of my other test pacs, but math... FUCK!!!
I also do not have a valid Drivers License. When I was in HS, there were several laws passed in the state of NC regarding student grades and eligibility to acquire your DL. Students that dropped out of HS could not maintain a DL, it would be suspended or revoked, as well as students that did not maintain a C- average. Seeing that I was not ever actually IN school, I was not eligible.
Those laws have since been changed, but by the time they were I was living on my own, and used this wonderful thing called Public Transportation. I had no car, no money to get one, and did not need one. Boy did THAT change!
Upon moving to SC in 2006, I learned just how badly I needed my DL. I was married to a man who refused to sit in the passengers side of a car with a woman driving- he ripped me out of the car on several (more than 15) occasions, becoming increasingly violent each time. I finally gave up on learning to drive, it was certainly not worth having the living shit beat out of me. So, here I am now.
I want to be productive, I want to be someone my children can look up to. Not simply their mother. I want to be financially independent, and yet I realize that I likely never will be. I will have to have help from somewhere... And I would rather die than be a welfare mom. The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth, they do not aspire to ever do more than be a leech.
What now? What the FUCK now?
Maybe I should explain (perhaps I should refrain). Ah, here goes... My parents, in an attempt to keep me "pure, and good" withheld me from society. I was their golden child, the one who showed potential, the one they wanted. Tested a higher IQ than both of my parents @ the age of 5, when my mother was convinced that I was "special" and took me to a sting of specialists- Only to find out that I was brighter than she was. Whoda thunk?
So, they illegally homeschooled me. There is no record of my education. Period. State laws required a minimum of yearly testing, reporting the scores to the state for the purpose of grade advancement, and statistical purposes. They opted out of ANY reporting. I was simply a ghost. The only record of my existence up until the age of 15 (when I became pregnant, entered the system, and became just another statistic) was the date of my birth, and a hand full of random (and RARE) doctors office visits.
When it became evident to me, some time around middle school, that I needed outside influences in my life if I were ever to become anything of worth, I asked to be placed in a public school. Only to my astonishment, I found out that it was not possible, my parents would face jail time if they were to attempt to do so. The result was that I was continued at home, completely isolated from society, as I had always been. Eventually that backfired, as I said, resulting in pregnancy.
Now, here I am, a 25 year old mother of 3. In the eyes of any potential employer, completely uneducated. I can not even compete for an entry level position that some illiterate 18 year old fresh out of HS can! I am "Unqualified".
Now, let us compound the situational difficulties here... I can not pass the GED as it is now, because it was revamped last year. A little explanation due? Yes, yes... I had a drug over dose about 8 years ago. I almost lost my life, actually, I did. I was brought back... NDEs are always fun, they change things. I lost a lot of memory as well. Mostly mathematics, I regained the stutter that I had lived with as a child, and several other difficulties that I am still coping with today. After spending several months in study, it became apparent that NO progress was being made. I maxed out all of my other test pacs, but math... FUCK!!!
I also do not have a valid Drivers License. When I was in HS, there were several laws passed in the state of NC regarding student grades and eligibility to acquire your DL. Students that dropped out of HS could not maintain a DL, it would be suspended or revoked, as well as students that did not maintain a C- average. Seeing that I was not ever actually IN school, I was not eligible.
Those laws have since been changed, but by the time they were I was living on my own, and used this wonderful thing called Public Transportation. I had no car, no money to get one, and did not need one. Boy did THAT change!
Upon moving to SC in 2006, I learned just how badly I needed my DL. I was married to a man who refused to sit in the passengers side of a car with a woman driving- he ripped me out of the car on several (more than 15) occasions, becoming increasingly violent each time. I finally gave up on learning to drive, it was certainly not worth having the living shit beat out of me. So, here I am now.
I want to be productive, I want to be someone my children can look up to. Not simply their mother. I want to be financially independent, and yet I realize that I likely never will be. I will have to have help from somewhere... And I would rather die than be a welfare mom. The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth, they do not aspire to ever do more than be a leech.
What now? What the FUCK now?
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