Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of the fact that I would have an enormous up-hill climb ahead of me when the children reached a likely enough age as to be in the care of another. What is even more tiresome is listening to people who will never be able to comprehend what life as you know it has consisted of, say "well, just do it". OK, this is me, admitting that I am flawed. I am imperfect. I am afraid, and I don't know where to begin.
Nothing more I dislike than hearing a pity party, or dealing with a 'woes me' attitude from someone who is otherwise capable. So, I can understand why someone might feel the same in regard to me, or even to my situation, or life in general. And to them, I have this to say; Until you live my life, leave me the fuck alone. Enjoy being who you are, because you have an identity. You have not been lost in the roundabout of motherhood, you still have a life, a likely enough future, and a name. Do you know what it is like not to have a name anymore? Do you? When you simply become "MOM", then and only then will I listen to your know it all, this is how the world works, and what you should do with it tone. When you become a mother, then and only then will you be capable of understanding the personal sacrifices that I have made to live through the past 10 years worth of hell, and make sure that my babies made it out alive... Maybe even then you won't understand, or believe what I have lived through. Until you live a life of isolation, and have to learn everything about people in your 20's (rather than learning from birth forward), then I am not interested in your little "Get over it" speeches. I'd love to see you in my shoes for a week, and see how medicated you are by the end of it (oh, and by the way- I function without being medicated- it's called "facing fears head on").
This may very well be the point at which I accept that, I am not the best person for the round the clock caregiver position at the moment. I have done anything, and everything within my meager mommy powers to provide my children with the coping mechanisms that they'll need to enter the big, bad, scary world. That's all I can do.
The absolute need for my life to consist of more than ass wiping, booger pickin, laundry washing, food prepping, alphabet song singing, boo boo kissing, monster under the bed chasing, has arisen.
At one point, some years ago, I had aspirations. I had dreams, visions of what I would be doing right now. Nowhere in those dreams did everyone I know call me "Mom" (might I add, even people who I did not personally shit out).
The slightly sick part is, that regardless of who you were in your past life, you are expected to be consumed by motherhood. It is an unwritten law of American society that you suddenly become a baby talking, tushie pinching, breast vs formula feeding debate champ, who is also connoisseur of baby wipes. It is expected of us to simply give up who we are for the ultimate fulfillment of being a mother. Sorry, this isn't working for me. I'm not a Brady. I have a brain in here somewhere *shakes head* yep, I can still hear it rattling around. And that brain tells me that there is more to life than reproducing and caring for young. Given, its a rather important part for some people, but it is not the end all, be all of human existence either. I cringe when I hear someone say that they "Never felt fulfilled by life" until they became a mother... Now they sit at home all day watching stories, and eating junk food. Yep, that's sure some fulfilling life you have there! what ever happened to your career, BTW?
OK, so some people would say that I am ragging on my own kind here, but I disagree. I feel that I should not be defined by motherhood. THEY do.
I have this need, this desire to mean something to someone other than my children (and immediate family). I don't want to be known for who I am as a mother, I want to be known and seen as me, as a person with their own thoughts, opinions, ideas, desires... I just want to exist.
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