Some days are easier than others, and obviously I have been struggling as of late. With many, many different things, questioning every aspect of my life. Why? What? How? When? Can I? Will it work? Should I? Is it worth it? Dunno... I know so very little at this point.
What little I do know is that I tire quickly of the games, and perhaps it isn't even a game. It could simply be that there is nothing in any way grounded, and so it seems that everything I do is as if a pawn is being shifted in one direction or another. In the same hand I also hold this incredible fear of being exposed, made a fool of, but I do an adequate enough job of that myself... I may as well be an open book, and at times am, as I have no one to talk to. No one to explore my thoughts with. No voice of reason shifting me back into reality when I lay adrift on my own stream of thoughts.
So many questions. No answers. And I live each day waiting for the ball to drop, wondering when enough will be enough. Wondering how damaged I truly am. And knowing that I have no way of finding out until it's too late. It may be already.
How many times a day can I check myself back into reality? And am I even walking in the light of realization, or am I simply convincing myself that reality checks have been issued and cashed in?. Maybe it's time to check the account balance...
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