The Cost of Victory

  The past year has been a nightmare, which I've not been at liberty to talk about. I don't think I'm going to say much now... I just want to cry.

  When another human being does something with malice. Makes claim of heinous acts perpetrated by an innocent individual, with the express purpose of wiping clean their existence in society (and more importantly, the lives of their children), it leaves a void that can not be filled with anything but hatred, fear, anger, loss... despair.
  That is what the past year has been full of. Anger at the fact of a lie which could not (until today) be proven. Fear, so much fear of what *could* happen in the event that this individual actually succeeded. Hatred, I admit the hatred... So much hatred. Not the petty dislike which people refer to as hatred. True, honest hatred, which until you've felt you know nothing of.

  Every day has been an exercise in patience, restraint, love. Compressing, neatly packaging, and forcing that anger to the pit of my stomach until it began to dissolve... End result has been the physical manifestations of stress- Migraines, Insomnia, Anxiety, Weight Gain... Oh, so much fun!

  One day, when it is all said and done, I'll have my say... I'll tell the world what this cunt did to her own daughter to try to make this appear real.  I'll confront the investigator who refused to take evidence which did not help build her case. I'll tear apart the social workers who refused to actually do their jobs... When it is all said and done, I will be able to speak my piece regarding the injustice which I've witnessed.
  The system is so incredibly broken.

  My alcoholic, drug abusing, rapist, child abusing, thief, sociopath of an ex husband gets off scott free- is allowed visitation, and I've been denied protection from a man who has beaten, raped, burned, poisoned, thrown me from a moving vehicle, tried to kill me while I was pregnant, literally imprisoned me by nailing the windows shut and reversing the locks on the doors (for weeks)... Would you like me to continue? I've got at least two more pages worth. The sick bastard even sexually assaulted my dog (a 7 lb female pomeranian) in front of me- and threatened to kill her.
  Now he's threatened to kill me again ( "You know I won't let you keep the kids. They're mine, and I'll kill you before you get to keep them."... His threat, which he has already attempted, is to kill me so that he can have the children) and there isn't a damned thing I can do until he breaks into my home while I'm sleeping- Did I mention that the judge who denied me protection said, and I quote "You deserve what you get", when my ex stated that I had had an affair. Beautiful, isn't it? The man is an ex seal trainee drop out... and not because he couldn't make the cut. Because he couldn't do that AND maintain control over his then fiancée.
 
  Meanwhile, a man who is nothing if not good, has loved, cared for, and attempted to provide his family, his children with the best things life has to offer has been forced out of the picture so that the trash can return to the trailer park.
  I  know he didn't realize what she was when they met, how could he have? No, not under those circumstances... it is painfully apparent now though.
  She succeeded at alienating the children... that is it. I feel sick, and my heart aches for justice to be done. I'm helpless, and yet I see the wealth of evidence that can, should, and needs to be used... but at what cost? The cunt will stop at nothing. Absolutely nothing, to leverage the broken system against him again... That is one thing she knows how to manipulate all too well, since she's done it before- Eventually, she'll do it again, just like she did to the one before him.
  When a woman has a string of 'psychotic exs' one must look to see what the common denominator is... HER.

   I come from a "Blended Family". My mother was me- a victim of CDV, and like me she survived. She still exhibits symptoms of PTSD from over 30 years ago... I wonder if I'll be the same way.
  My father had his children taken from him by his ex wife (who, we now know has several conditions (mental) which she has been treated for), was accused of abuse, alienated and replaced by a new man who subsequently DID the things he was accused of.
  My mother's children for the most part resented me for having been born (I am the sole product of their union, which came to them at great cost- even the reversal of sterilization). Even though my father had adopted them years prior... My eldest brother and I were always close, while the other two (especially my sister) loathed my presence in their lives.
  My father's children were in and out of our lives, convinced of some wrongdoing which never occurred. Now, as adults they've become more aware of what actually happened... My older brother is in the *same* situation with his soon to be ex, the system has been leveraged against him. Now he's drowning in it. It is so incredibly common that these deranged women simply LIE to get what they want, that the system accommodates them to get the process over with more efficiently.
  Now, here we are, he and I. In the same exact position as my parents... and all I can do is be angry at the system.

  I got bent over and had the judicial system rammed up my ass repeatedly, simply because I am a woman, and after 6 years of violent rape, physical and psychological abuse, imprisonment, and even forced pregnancy...after all of that, and two years of being confined to a separate bedroom, told that I was unworthy of HIS bed... I finally took it upon myself to finalize our physical separation.
  Literally all he had to do, down here in the dirty south, was breathe the word affair and every judge in the district wanted to see me publicly raped, beaten tarred & feathered, then hung from a tree...


  Words from the slightly wiser, broken, fucked over individual... Unless you can see yourself wiping his ass when he's 80- don't marry him. Seriously.
  Unless you can see yourself hauling her sz 42 LONG tits off of the floor, and into a warn out bra... don't marry her. Seriously.
  Eventually that is where you're going to wind up, and if you cringed at the reality of who you'll some day be married to, know now that you're not going to make it.
  At the end of the day, it's not how great the sex it, how much money he/she makes, how attractive they are, talented they are (be it physically, artistically, or otherwise), funny they are, smart they are... none of that is going to matter.
  When you get down to it, the shit that really matters is whether you look forward to seeing that person when you wake up in the morning- even when things aren't so great. If you can live together peacefully, without fear of reprisal for unimportant, petty shit. If you truly trust them... I find that most people don't even know what trust is, let alone have it for their significant other. If you know that when shit hits the fan, they'll stand behind you to keep you from getting blown over, or jump in front of you to bear the brunt of the impact, or simply stand beside you so you're not alone and covered in shit. What matters is that the petty shit doesn't matter- at the end of the day, you're there. THAT is what matters.

  I wish someone had told me that 10 or 12 years ago. I might have actually listened. Instead, I had to learn it the hard way... so did he. We're still learning. But the one thing neither one of us ever anticipated having to learn the hard way, is that when someone attacks you, leveraging they broke ass system against you, even a small victory will be of immeasurable cost.
  He lost his family, and was almost wiped clean from society- and to prevent it from happening again, has to let go of everything dear to him. I lost my right to protection, the sanctity of my physical safety, and the right to provide for my children's physical, emotional, and mental safety. Both of us were violated- Him, emotionally and unlawfully had the legal system leveraged against him. Me, physically- and I have no legal recourse, since there is no such thing as rape (even what is now defined as forcible rape) in a marriage.

  We both had victories. They cost more than they were worth. So much more.

Jealousy

  I should be sleeping... it is after 2 am, 6 comes early. I'm pretty sure the time stamp on my blog says something different though, but I really don't give enough of a fuck to go change it. More random thoughts.

  Look up "Damaged Goods" in your Websters, my picture is right next to it. No matter how hard I fight that reality, no matter how much I wish for it not to be true- I am Fuckdidid in the heart, and in the head.
  Growing up in an environment where love was something they preached about on sunday, but never a warm fuzzy feeling you got from your mommy was pretty fucking confusing. I admit that as a child, and even until I had children of my own I had no clue what love felt like beyond the love of a girl fro her dog. Let me tell you though, I still shed tears over my best friends Toby & Orla. I was more connected to them emotionally than I have been to most people in my life.
   I'm guessing I need help. No, I was told that I do dammit, it's the truth too. I'm totally fucked, completely insecure, and when someone does manage to break through that wall I find an excuse to build another- so a relationship with me looks something like plowing a bulldozer through a 3ft thick cement block wall every few weeks.
  All good things come to an end, but even entertaining that idea leaves me distraught. Simply knowing what I do now about love, about what it means, how it feels, what it does... it makes me terrified of losing it. It would be easier to see someone I love die, than it would be for me to cope with their rejection. I don't do rejection. Another reason that being in any kind of relationship with me in my present state poses an occupational hazard. I throw darts when I feel attacked, rejection is a personal attack.

  Just a short bit ago I said that I didn't have anyone to talk to, which I don't. No one who I can actually trust not to intentionally cause harm with the knowledge they would glean from our conversations... So, brilliant me thought "Hey... I'll just fucking start typing, no one reads this shit anyway." which is likely the truth, and best for it. The venting I mean.
  No one listens to my words either, especially when spoken. They come out a jumble, a mess, a fucking mixed bag. After spending 1/2 the conversation agonizing about what is actually the important point to convey, I generally stick both feet in my mouth until I gag and involuntarily spew words. Not the best plan, I do realize- but generally better than being a selective mute (which would otherwise suit me just fine).
  Why Is that, I wonder? Why is it that I am perfectly capable of conveying an ideal, instructions, abstract thoughts, etc using the written word (ok, typed- my handwriting is halfassed at best, and simply indecipherable st worst).
   People who are well spoken often turn me off. Seriously- I can feel my twat drying up when I hear them speak. I rely so much on words though, because I can't read people. I rely on what they say, rather than what I can see because I don't fucking understand human body language, or how to interpret it. I *need* words to know where I stand with someone, but in turn I suck ass at providing feedback that people find helpful- which leaves me wanting to cry like a baby over my shortcomings.
   Animals. I get. They are so clear with their "words". Put me in a room full of angry dogs and in 5 minutes we'll all be rolling round on the floor playing. Drop me in a pasture with a horse that doesn't like to be caught, and he'll wind up coming to me. With people. Not. So. Much.

   I'm ashamed that I need so much assurance, but I do. I actually need it, and when I don't get it I feel terrified, alone, and completely rejected. It doesn't matter what you already told me with your actions, until I hear it, it isn't really true. It's been quite a fucking while since I've felt any measure of......
~*~This is the point at which I decided I could say nothing good, and closed the lappy for the night, wishing sleep would find me~*~

   I guess since I am going through a "reevaluate my fucking senses" tell all session to an imaginary therapist (not much different than prayer, except that I realize I'm the one who has to decide to do something rather than wait around for it to happen) I might as well admit to being truly jealous for the first time in my life.
   Jealousy has no place in a healthy relationship, it makes people do stupid things. Makes us feel insecure when we shouldn't, makes us lose trust for people who haven't actually done anything wrong. It's generally damaging, which is why I have always reacted with a rational approach to the idea when it has been introduced- shove it out of the map. This time however, it is proving to be an immovable obstruction.
   When I hear a woman say "my man" I generally laugh, simply can't help myself. It's funny to think of people as possessions, slightly demented as well. But I can't help wanting to say "MINE!". Juvenile, insecure, and hurt am I.
   As it would turn out, the past can not simply be negated by the now... whoda thunk?


   I've always been OK with being me, well for the most part. Being the odd man out has never been completely cool with me, but I understand people's hesitation when it comes to something new, something unknown, something different.
   Problem with that is when people not only actively exclude (oh, boo hoo... woes me) but attempt with malice to remove the anomaly from their plane of existence. We're ruthless bitches, even when we decide we don't want something that was once perceived as "mine", we still don't let go of it- let me clarify that "we" is purely in reference to the % of the population who were born with vaginas and not me specifically.- and even attempt to undermine anyone else who wishes to stake a claim.
   Seeing people (mostly women) behave badly in a fit of jealous rage has always given me a laugh, because I never understood how threatened and vulnerable they felt. That is the heart of jealousy. It is fucking excruciating. I actually feel for people who experience jealousy on a regular basis, I can't imagine my life being completely permeated by it. I'm blown away by the reality that it has found a way into my life at all, and even worse... is actually doing harm.
   All of that said, I'm overwhelmed with jealousy over an insignificant, used-to-be-important, BUBBLE... a fucking bubble who watches glee. Jebus what the fuck is wrong with me? She is a BUBBLE. But apparently is "really cool"... yeah, I'm sure... and about as deep as a kiddie pool too.
   Maybe it is the lack of intelligence which causes me to recoil from a reality which once was, questioning whether or not I'm undesirable because I am capable of independent thought... perhaps it even stems from my insecurities regarding my own broken, used, destroyed body- that is what happens when you're forced to carry a pregnancy before your body has properly developed to accommodate the task... Meh, nah... that bothers me too, but I know plenty of men who would kill to get just a taste of me. Its the idiot thing. What kind of man is attracted to that?

   Why are men attracted to fluffy, bubbly, STUPID women? Why? Really, does it make it easier to convince them to gobble your knob? Or to assign an opinion to them because they aren't capable of doing so their self? Control... maybe that's what it actually boils down to for most men.

   So, like it or not I have to put my big girl pants on and simply fucking cope. Like always, even when I'm not wholly responsible for the miscommunication which resulted in the fucking uncomfortable fuckedupdididness.
   Though, this is one time I just wish I could fucking climb up on my high horse and drag MINE up there with me, and be the cunt of the century.