Ever have one of those days where clarity of thought resembles the horizon? It is as a straight drawn line on blank paper, all that lies below that line is filled into the darkness of the land or sea, while all above is the potential reality that can only be sought by those who would defy fear.
Often I have been told that I think too much. I believe that I may not think enough, or that I am too slow to categorize what has been analyzed. That I am always second guessing a determination that is clearly cut and dry.
Continually, I am amazed by the decisions that life would have us face. Something, an opportunity, a chance for gain that may come only once, is a monumentally blessed occasion for one, and a point of grief for another. I am torn between being happy, putting on a face, swallowing my anguish, moving on- Or fighting for something that I know is unattainable. Eh, the world will not end... But it will certainly contain less joy.
The simplest things are the hardest to attain, and to maintain. The past year, if its experiences have taught me nothing more, have taught me that much.
So, here I sit dissecting my thoughts, in a desperate scrap with my emotions, trying to regain control over what I fear is a complete loss. Attempting to remind myself that the sun will rise and set on my emotions, people will be birthed, and people will die. Nothing in the world really changes, except for my own personal quality of life. And what of it? I make the decision to be happy. Or do I? Is there some unknown criteria which must first be met in order for happiness to occur? Perhaps there is.
When all else is said and done, what do we have in the world but hope? You can carve vast mountain ranges into depth-less caverns with none more than water, and mold opinions and beliefs with no more than persuasive seeding comments... Hope does not abate this fear, which is born from reality- not from negative, paranoid, or insecure thoughts.... Lots of unanswered questions.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
When The Swell Reaches The Break
I know that I am not well, in many ways more damaged in, by, and through my efforts to right the sinking vessel of my mind. The heart floats, but everything else sinks like a paper boat.
Oddity seems to pursue me wherever I turn, and in the realm of interpersonal connections it seems to swell to the break and come crashing over. For what was apparently far too long I failed to realize that it was not that I attracted oddity, but that oddity loves company (much as misery does- that is for another day though). I was not a defect that attracted what the world would perceive as toss-abouts that could not stay on the current, and were flailing about in a ceaseless drift of societal rejection. Fact was that I was a source of comfort, a ground wire to reality, and the sounding board on which thought lives were fine-tuned. Likewise, these other 'damaged' people have been my refuge through the first 25 years of my young life.
Today, today, today was the beginning. Today was in so many ways, symbolic of rebirth- And from the ashes I rise. I am no phoenix. I do not believe in reincarnation, in a spiritual realm, in the possibility of higher power. This is it, this is life and I am going to get only one measly shot at combining the elements in my brain, self managing pain, fear, joy, anger, apprehension, hope, even love in such a way that I am able to contribute something to those who are saddled with the burden of attachment. I believe in life. I am but one tiny insignificant fleck of carbon being hurled through the cosmos on this currently crusty chunk of molten rock.
Things I say. Things I do. Things I mean. Thinks I think (thanks Seuss). The places I'll eventually go... No one knows, but there are apparently a couple of insignificant flecks of carbon floating in close proximity to me, that would like to see me accomplish something significant with my insignificance. In so many more ways than my feeble mind is capable of contriving expressions to make clear- I owe them. Particularly him, for he was the only one who has insofar expressed confidence that I could succeed. I owe the effort to those who would see me well, see me as I once was... I am still in here somewhere. In a tiny hidden heart shaped box I have lived not for weeks, but for years (thanks Kurt). The lid is off, and the keeper of the keys is attempting to lock me back in.
Shut my eyes and pretend I am blind, I leave the rest of the world behind. My mind alert, heightened to the light that others exude. It is bright, it id deep, it is stunning. I stand expressionless in the doorway of my mind, feeling this blinding energy consuming me, and I am afraid. I open my eyes upon this light, blinded and suddenly in the darkest of nights. Adrift on a sea of memory, where from the deep the monsters come, roaming, homing in on my brightly flashing beacon of fear. I too, have my own light...
As I open my minds eye to the ceaseless waves of paralyzing fear, it is in that fear which I learn to shine- I will blind you.
Oddity seems to pursue me wherever I turn, and in the realm of interpersonal connections it seems to swell to the break and come crashing over. For what was apparently far too long I failed to realize that it was not that I attracted oddity, but that oddity loves company (much as misery does- that is for another day though). I was not a defect that attracted what the world would perceive as toss-abouts that could not stay on the current, and were flailing about in a ceaseless drift of societal rejection. Fact was that I was a source of comfort, a ground wire to reality, and the sounding board on which thought lives were fine-tuned. Likewise, these other 'damaged' people have been my refuge through the first 25 years of my young life.
Today, today, today was the beginning. Today was in so many ways, symbolic of rebirth- And from the ashes I rise. I am no phoenix. I do not believe in reincarnation, in a spiritual realm, in the possibility of higher power. This is it, this is life and I am going to get only one measly shot at combining the elements in my brain, self managing pain, fear, joy, anger, apprehension, hope, even love in such a way that I am able to contribute something to those who are saddled with the burden of attachment. I believe in life. I am but one tiny insignificant fleck of carbon being hurled through the cosmos on this currently crusty chunk of molten rock.
Things I say. Things I do. Things I mean. Thinks I think (thanks Seuss). The places I'll eventually go... No one knows, but there are apparently a couple of insignificant flecks of carbon floating in close proximity to me, that would like to see me accomplish something significant with my insignificance. In so many more ways than my feeble mind is capable of contriving expressions to make clear- I owe them. Particularly him, for he was the only one who has insofar expressed confidence that I could succeed. I owe the effort to those who would see me well, see me as I once was... I am still in here somewhere. In a tiny hidden heart shaped box I have lived not for weeks, but for years (thanks Kurt). The lid is off, and the keeper of the keys is attempting to lock me back in.
Shut my eyes and pretend I am blind, I leave the rest of the world behind. My mind alert, heightened to the light that others exude. It is bright, it id deep, it is stunning. I stand expressionless in the doorway of my mind, feeling this blinding energy consuming me, and I am afraid. I open my eyes upon this light, blinded and suddenly in the darkest of nights. Adrift on a sea of memory, where from the deep the monsters come, roaming, homing in on my brightly flashing beacon of fear. I too, have my own light...
As I open my minds eye to the ceaseless waves of paralyzing fear, it is in that fear which I learn to shine- I will blind you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)