Apparently, when you are over stressed, have no one to talk to, are experiencing a wide range of emotions (everything from fear, sorrow, content, joy, dread, anxiety... and back again), and stressed with the presence of people who (historically) find your presence less than desirable- You are perceived as awkward, bitchy, antisocial... The list goes on... (wow, running sentence much?)
Not only do I have to keep out of the way, I must perform for people who have (time and again) made it clear that my presence is undesired.
Apparently putting on a smile, being generally kind, and staying out of the way is not enough... Where have I gone so incredibly wrong that I am awake @ 0331 doing dishes, laundry, and cleaning up after the guests instead of sleeping next to my lovely.
My mind is hell bent on working instead of letting me rest, and yet I am coming no closer to any conclusions, only more questions. I want to talk, to feel free to do so, to be me... But apparently being me means that I come across as bitchy, antisocial, and awkward.
Maybe I am. Or, maybe... Just maybe I am none of those things, and the stress of life, of being completely alone with my thoughts, bottling up my every emotion, coping with the children, and topping it off with the presence of people who have no intention of being kind to me, who have already made their judgment of me based on my beliefs has simply pissed me off. And maybe, just maybe... I really don't give a fucking shit how they feel. Maybe I should and this makes me a bad person. Maybe it is subjective, who fucking cares.
My heart hurts, my brain feels like it is going to explode, and if I hear one more reference to jesus/god/church/spirituality/the bible/etfuckingcetera- it may actually do so.
My day goes something like this...
I am sleep deprived, as my best friend insomnia seems to want to pay me regular visits. I've spent 3 days in a desperate scramble against time as I attempt to give the living room and kitchen a face life. I'm an explosion of mixed emotions waiting to happen, with no release valve, no one to talk to, to explain the mess as it is now. The days have dragged on, and on, and one more has passed leaving me in a lurch... an unexpected lurch.
I have company who is not fond of me, and that I have been asked (indirectly) to avoid. I feel pushed out of 'my' space, which isn't even mine to begin with... I have no space, I have no claim, I have no certainty, I have nothing. I have nothing. Whats mine isn't mine, what little I can claim isn't worth mention. I want to belong, I want to be useful, I want to be good. I am useful, I am good... No one perceives me this way.
My ex husband is up my ass, wanting to visit, threatening to drive down and cause trouble if I do not make time for him. It's more me he wants to see than the children, and my stomach curdles thinking about him.
I cleaned, and cleaned because I let everything slide while I painted... And now I'm playing maid to the guests as well. Is that all they see me as? Is that what I am? Just the maid... I couldn't possibly be any more than that, or mean any more than that to him. How could someone like me fit into this picture?
I am terrified of what I have no power to change, am not at liberty to talk about openly, and could completely alter our lives. I feel sick, I am fighting depression (quite successfully) without meds, doing everything I know how to prevent myself from falling down a hole. I have no emotional support, no people, no network. No fall back. I am the support, I am the fall back, I am the safety net. Fuck me running.
My day has sucked, my week has been hell, these past couple of months have been extremely frightening, and i have no release. Now it is scarier than ever.
This is me, being genuine. I'm afraid. I'm in love. I'm lost. Everything is changing, and I have no power to influence how it happens. I dread what might happen tomorrow, not knowing is killing me. I want to scream. I want to believe that this is nothing but a bad dream, which I can't wake from.
If this makes me awkward, uneasy, bitchy, antisocial, snarky, or in the opinion of the jesus freaks, in any way unpleasant... well, that just fucking sucks. Because I am trying as hard as I fucking can to shove all of these god damned emotions to the pit of my stomach, just so I can get through the day.
I try to be friendly... where does it get me? Reprimanded by my beloved, for saying the stupidest little thing... for reacting to stimuli that I couldn't control... for trying not to break down in front of everyone.
My snark is the only thing I am in control of right now... Compartmentalize as I can, and must, and do, it's imfuckingpossible to shut some of those lids.
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