I've had just enough bourbon to realize that A) I could really benefit from a therapist *right now*, and that I am going to make mad pytos. B) I've had just enough bourbon that I don't give a shit about either.
Since I don't have my DL yet, therapy is out. Since I don't have access to a car I can drive during the day so I *can* get my DL, therapy is out. Fun, eh?
That leaves me full of bourbon, pissed at my ex, the judicial system, my lovely, his fucked up mother and the rest of the world that has beef with me because I have not been successfully brainwashed into needing a deity to dictate what does, or does not happen to me, with me, my children, or my life.
The ex, I can't do shit about. I am Northern stock, raised in the dirty south, bred with and married a good 'ol boy (now, if you can take into account that down here, rape does not legally occur within a marital bed, you'll understand much clearly)... I made my bed, now to lie in it. Fuck me running. One of these days he's going to kill me, I'll be another unidentifiable body if ever I'm found. Thank the US Navy for that... the fucker had already graduated BUDS when we met, though the story surrounding his "Other than honorable" discharge is one for another day... lets just say, if I had the balls to talk about the shit I've seen him do, he'd be done.
The SC judicial system is something which I shouldn't need to explain. It is broken, utterly fucked. Run by "Good 'Ol Boys". If you have a clit rather than a cock, you best just shut the fuck up and bend over.
The never-going-to-be-inlaw... She's a piece of work. So incredibly ashamed of the fact that her son, her baby, the one she wishes so badly to control is involved with me, that she LIED to her bestie about having visited. Having been in our home. Having seen us together. Having knowledge of our relationship. Man, how fucked up is that? Seriously?
She's a fundie. So is my mum. We were raised in the same 'first generation crazy' household... On the same street. In the same church. We saw the same reality, though it took him longer... It took the pain of naivety. It took being taken advantage of. Which I had nothing to do with... but the simple fact of my presence is enough for her to place blame.
I must laugh at the fact that, though I am far removed emotionally, mentally, demographically, politically, I am still attached to the grape vive. Whatever is said, eventually trickles down. Especially when you say it to one of the biggest gossips in the south eastern US. :) Yeah, that bit about not knowing (after you'd already visited) that we were living together, resulted in an *immediate* phone call to my mother. To "warn" of what her daughter was up to. LMMFAO!!!
The thing that bothers me, is that more than 2 1/2 years later, because of all of this, regardless of what life is like at home. Regardless of what we really are, he is afraid to admit we are anything. He won't let us be seen as a "Corporate Identity" ie, a couple.
Thank you JW. Thank you for fucking up one of the most incredible men I have ever known. Just because you were an obese, schizophrenic, homeless, jobless midget who saw easy prey. Then tore him to shreds when you realized he was better than you. You can take the trash out of the trailer park, you can't take the trailer trailer park out of the trash. Glad you feel all cozy and at home now, back in you element.
Thank you LB for causing my life to be a living hell by spreading rumors. By speaking out against me in our community (which resulted in abuse you can only imagine). By accusing me of somehow leading your children astray... if only you knew of all the things I talked then OUT of doing. If only you knew the things they really did- because you were so barbaric in your religious control.
It really doesn't matter that I'm not openly an important person. That I'm hidden behind the curtain, I wash his clothes, cook his meals, support him in any way I can, without a second thought.
It really doesn't matter that I can't be a prize, or that I'm even something to be hidden from others... I keep things moving smoothly, on an even keel. I know how important I am to him, even if he is afraid to say it to you.
It doesn't matter that it hurts, that you will always see me as a lesser human being- I've PROVEN to be more than you ever could have been. I am stronger. I have stood in the face of adversity and said Fuck You. I have been through the fire. I've stood up for, beside, and behind in support of him through the hell which was opened up in her wake... in wake of the woman you opened you life up to without question, because she "appeared" to you as someone she was not. I am what I am. I am honest. I hold steadfast to my integrity- no one can take that from me. Honesty is threatening.
Much as it'd be wonderful to be accepted. To be open. To be proud... the reasons that can't happen are obvious.
You don't have to like the reality, but understand that what the outside sees, or is allowed to see and what actually is, are two different things :)
Love is a verb. Love is a verb.
Since I don't have my DL yet, therapy is out. Since I don't have access to a car I can drive during the day so I *can* get my DL, therapy is out. Fun, eh?
That leaves me full of bourbon, pissed at my ex, the judicial system, my lovely, his fucked up mother and the rest of the world that has beef with me because I have not been successfully brainwashed into needing a deity to dictate what does, or does not happen to me, with me, my children, or my life.
The ex, I can't do shit about. I am Northern stock, raised in the dirty south, bred with and married a good 'ol boy (now, if you can take into account that down here, rape does not legally occur within a marital bed, you'll understand much clearly)... I made my bed, now to lie in it. Fuck me running. One of these days he's going to kill me, I'll be another unidentifiable body if ever I'm found. Thank the US Navy for that... the fucker had already graduated BUDS when we met, though the story surrounding his "Other than honorable" discharge is one for another day... lets just say, if I had the balls to talk about the shit I've seen him do, he'd be done.
The SC judicial system is something which I shouldn't need to explain. It is broken, utterly fucked. Run by "Good 'Ol Boys". If you have a clit rather than a cock, you best just shut the fuck up and bend over.
The never-going-to-be-inlaw... She's a piece of work. So incredibly ashamed of the fact that her son, her baby, the one she wishes so badly to control is involved with me, that she LIED to her bestie about having visited. Having been in our home. Having seen us together. Having knowledge of our relationship. Man, how fucked up is that? Seriously?
She's a fundie. So is my mum. We were raised in the same 'first generation crazy' household... On the same street. In the same church. We saw the same reality, though it took him longer... It took the pain of naivety. It took being taken advantage of. Which I had nothing to do with... but the simple fact of my presence is enough for her to place blame.
I must laugh at the fact that, though I am far removed emotionally, mentally, demographically, politically, I am still attached to the grape vive. Whatever is said, eventually trickles down. Especially when you say it to one of the biggest gossips in the south eastern US. :) Yeah, that bit about not knowing (after you'd already visited) that we were living together, resulted in an *immediate* phone call to my mother. To "warn" of what her daughter was up to. LMMFAO!!!
The thing that bothers me, is that more than 2 1/2 years later, because of all of this, regardless of what life is like at home. Regardless of what we really are, he is afraid to admit we are anything. He won't let us be seen as a "Corporate Identity" ie, a couple.
Thank you JW. Thank you for fucking up one of the most incredible men I have ever known. Just because you were an obese, schizophrenic, homeless, jobless midget who saw easy prey. Then tore him to shreds when you realized he was better than you. You can take the trash out of the trailer park, you can't take the trailer trailer park out of the trash. Glad you feel all cozy and at home now, back in you element.
Thank you LB for causing my life to be a living hell by spreading rumors. By speaking out against me in our community (which resulted in abuse you can only imagine). By accusing me of somehow leading your children astray... if only you knew of all the things I talked then OUT of doing. If only you knew the things they really did- because you were so barbaric in your religious control.
It really doesn't matter that I'm not openly an important person. That I'm hidden behind the curtain, I wash his clothes, cook his meals, support him in any way I can, without a second thought.
It really doesn't matter that I can't be a prize, or that I'm even something to be hidden from others... I keep things moving smoothly, on an even keel. I know how important I am to him, even if he is afraid to say it to you.
It doesn't matter that it hurts, that you will always see me as a lesser human being- I've PROVEN to be more than you ever could have been. I am stronger. I have stood in the face of adversity and said Fuck You. I have been through the fire. I've stood up for, beside, and behind in support of him through the hell which was opened up in her wake... in wake of the woman you opened you life up to without question, because she "appeared" to you as someone she was not. I am what I am. I am honest. I hold steadfast to my integrity- no one can take that from me. Honesty is threatening.
Much as it'd be wonderful to be accepted. To be open. To be proud... the reasons that can't happen are obvious.
You don't have to like the reality, but understand that what the outside sees, or is allowed to see and what actually is, are two different things :)
Love is a verb. Love is a verb.
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