K, so here goes... I quit writing again, not just this, but everything. I am in a uncommunicative state at present, and there are some (though very few, as I am a bit of a recluse these days) who are wondering where I am. Or maybe I give myself too much credit, and the fact of the matter is that no one is wondering anything, because I am an open person, and it is obvious that I have regressed back into my plastic bubble. Contradiction in terms- Recluse being an open person! LOL @ myself! Truth is stranger than fiction.

  After an interesting convo with the manimal on Sunday, I was heavily struck with the realization that I can not do what i desire, for there is no path forward. I have to market what I am good at, what meager skills I possess... I would love to be a Doula, but the fact of the matter is that it will put me in contact with too diverse a group, and I doubt my personal ability to remain neutral, which is absolutely necessary to be helpful, rather than harmful... A lot of people disagreed with my birth choices, but the simple outcome was the same with all three- uneventful, uncomplicated, unmedicated, unintervened, natural child birth. That is what I preach, and I know that I can not support someone who decides to risk it all by going the procedural route that most MDs preach. That is where I would be doing harm, although for the greater good.
  Next task: Figure out how to be social, and integrate myself into some form of society in which I am likely to find solace, and perhaps, even succeed at becoming a productive participant in what lies beyond the safety of my plastic bubble of sanity.
  The question that follows: Can it be done? (or am I too far gone, recessed into the crack in reality which allows me to function without any physical social connections, and very few interpersonal relationships.)   What I fear is that I am so offended by the shallow ones- the one who have NOTHING to offer, and are a leach, a likable leach that people keep around for amusement- that I may never find my niche.

  The resentment that I harbor for my parents, and particularly my mother is almost deafening- it is a constant ringing in my mind, not at the back, like a gnat flying about, buzzing in and out of my thoughts, but a damn relentless blood sucking mosquito, eating me alive.
  She now admits that it was wrong, what they did, isolating me, especially when I plead with them to let me free- let me go to school! Not realizing at the time that what they had done was illegal, and they would have to answer for it sooner or later. Now I belong on the Island of misfit toys... No matter how hard I try, something is broken.
  I feel so awkward with my peer group, especially when they learn that I have a child who is anywhere from 4-8 years older than theirs... Seems the stigma of being a Teen Mom never wears off, they just find new ways to judge you, and your over achieving public school attending, vegetarian child. No matter what I do, she will always have to live with it too. Even though she is a high functioning child, the label is still there- she must be illiterate, poor, white trash. OK, they have me on the poor part, sure are. It's life, you make due with what you have, not what you don't.

  AAAHHHHH!!!! I am just so fucking frustrated, I want to be "fixed", and for the sake of survival, just fit in! OMG, I can't believe I just said that... No, I don't want to fit in, I do not want to be a sheeple, I just want to look like one during daylight hours so that they'll accept me into their money making world.